A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook

Before Stephen March wrote his thoughts in The Atlantic that Facebook was making us lonelier, there were been several people arguing both sides for years. It’s intriguing to consider how technology is changing how we relate to one another as it is happening.

We’re living in a time of major flux, a real transition in our culture and it would be wonderful if we were aware of what was happening as it is happening. So let’s take a momentary glance at Facebook and the rest of technology that we use every day and see the importance in starting The Great Mindful Experiment.

We can make the argument that it’s not the medium of social media that’s making people lonelier or helping them feel more connected, it’s the way people relate to the medium. In other words, as John Grohol points out, it’s possible to feel wonderful about being connected to hundreds of “friends” and still make time for those that are closest to you.

It’s a matter of awareness and choice. There’s already many copies sprouting up and getting venture capital around creating smaller more intimate social networks. There will be another evolution to social media.

Harnessing our interactions with social media starts with awareness and it’s my opinion that most of us don’t have much awareness most of the time we’re interacting with it. What I mean by that is that the new digital devices of the day, (e.g., smartphones, tablets and all the latest apps) are incredibly attractive to the pleasure centers of our brain and oftentimes hook us without awareness.

Just think, how many times have you had the intention of working on something only to be pulled away by a Facebook, Twitter or chat message? Or how many times have you been speaking with someone and an alert on your phone dragged your vision to the phone itself, disconnecting you or splitting attention from the person you are there with?

Or worse yet, how often have you, yes you, been pulled toward a text while driving only to find yourself actually responding to it. This is an insidious way of creating disconnection in our “in-person friendships” and actually putting us and others in harm’s way that we’re often times not aware of.

The fact is, the mediums themselves are fantastic and offer an incredible amount of potential. It’s just that as a culture, we’re not mature enough to handle this type of technology yet. It’s beyond our developmental capacity.

Carl Rogers once said, “It wasn’t until I accepted myself exactly as I was that I was free to change.” That’s what this means. Once we can accept the reality of this, we can begin to apply more mindfulness to the technology, advancing awareness of our interaction with it and moving toward more skillful ways of relating to it.

Facebook, Twitter, chatting, texting and all the wonderful new ways of connecting are an evolution in our culture, we just need to peel the lens back a bit and watch ourselves as we engage in this great big experiment.

We can treat this as a “Great Mindful Experiment,” watching our reactions, seeing what feels pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. Is time spent with “non-virtual” friends being cut down or are you able to connect with them with the same amount of time and quality of attention? Does “screen time” take you away from other important things in life like exercise, meditation, or other hobbies or are you able to give them the same time and quality of attention?

There’s no definitive answer, the answer lies within each of us and it will serve us well individually and as a culture to take this experiment on.

Before beginning this experiment, let’s pause and STOP (a short guided video from The Now Effect):

Enjoy and let us know what you find.

Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com

I want to share with you something that is simple and short. If you’ve been around in this world long, you’ve come to know that, for most of us, making change isn’t easy. Most of us don’t live in communities that are aspiring to support us with our highest aspirations. That’s why we need support, some kind of reminders that can help us tap into being more mindful and re-minding us of what truly matters.

I woke up this morning and in my inbox was my Daily Now Moment called “Elementary Advice.” I have to say, I really enjoy these, what a treat to receive them and get to take it in as a reminder to drop into mindfulness and into what really matters.

Here is the one I received today that I wanted to share with you:

In practicing mindfulness one fourth grader said:

” ‘Before a test, if I’m nervous, I just breathe, calm down, and it sends a message to my mind that I can make it!’ Even in the face of adversity, the positive feelings of calm and hope naturally arose. This is The Now Effect in action.”

~ From the “Seeds of Resiliency” chapter in The Now Effect (p.130)

If you find it useful, refer back to the STOP practice as you begin to face moments of adversity.

This takes all of a 30 seconds to read and perhaps an extra minute or so if you’d like to drop int a practice (which I highly recommend). You can calm your nervous system, regain capacity of your entire brain, become more flexible in your decision making, and feel better.

A good question is what would the hours, days, weeks and months ahead be like for you if you had more mindful support in your life?

There are other ways to put supports in your environment. You can put up signs in your work environment, put reminders in your phone, find a like-minded friend and make a verbal contract to support one another in being more present to life. Or maybe actually join a community in your area or virtually that primes your mind toward what matters to you.

The Daily Now Moments are available as a free resource in The Now Effect Community to support you along this life’s journey at work and at home. Enjoy!

What other resources are supportive to you?

Your interaction, thoughts and questions below provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com

In the west, the concept and practice of learning how to be more present in our lives has enjoyed an exponentially growing audience in the last 10 years. There have been a number of people and books raising awareness of the importance of cultivating greater mindfulness for the purpose of healing great stress, anxiety, depression, addiction, chronic pain and even creating great joy.

However, it wasn’t until now that someone within our own government began working to help transform our society from the inside out, in a recently published book A Mindful Nation.

If you haven’t be introduced to him yet, it is my pleasure to bring to you an exclusive interview with Congressman Tim Ryan as he shares with us why there’s a need for change, who inspires him as mindful change makers, some wisdom from Bobby Kennedy, and the quiet revolution happening in America right now.

Elisha: You open up the first chapter of A Mindful Nation with a quote by John F. Kennedy, “In a crisis, be aware of the danger, but recognize the opportunity.” What do you see as the danger we face right now and what’s the opportunity?

Tim:  I guess that can be different for each individual, but we all share some collective dangers – constant states of stress and anxiety for various reasons, high levels of information overload and a growing disconnection from each other as human beings.  These dangers are leading to an ever growing inability to take the time needed to solve the challenges of growing income inequality, affordable and accessible health care and child care and how we make time available to spend with our children, family and friends, basically all the things that make life worth living.  I feel that those are our collective dangers.

The opportunities actually come from us as a people being exhausted and burned out.  Collectively we are looking for a new way of doing things that is not going to come about by us simply balancing our national budget or spending more money on a certain program.  The opportunity that presents itself now is for deep, structural and systemic change in how we run our society.  The openness for this kind of change can only come when there is some kind of crisis.

Elisha: Who else it out there doing the work that inspires you to build a mindful nation?

Tim:  All of the people in A Mindful Nation and it is growing by the day.  The people in the trenches doing the hard-nosed research, implementing the programs and making the change.  They are on the front lines in some of the most difficult of neighborhoods and schools, some of the busiest health care facilities and some of the most dangerous prisons. They inspire me with their tenacity in their belief that if people touch what is deepest and most profound inside them that they can experience their lives in a much more sane and enjoyable way.

Elisha: You close your final chapter with the quote from JFK’s brother Robert Kennedy that is timely, “What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred…but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another.” Give us a glimpse into your thoughts on this.

Tim:  I just find Bobby Kennedy’s short campaign for President so inspiring because his rhetoric identified what America can be like if we care about each other.  It is that simple.  I’ve been on enough sports teams in my life to have experienced the magic of what can happen when a group of people care for and love each other.

Everyone on the team becomes better, even the water boys.  And I believe that if we can care about whether or not our neighbor has a good job or access to affordable health care for their children, and we move to implement the policies that can improve these situations, we will unleash vast amounts of human potential and recapture the American Spirit.  You can feel that when you read or listen to Kennedy’s speeches.

Elisha: If you were sitting across the table from a constituent right now who was struggling in our current national climate, what words of wisdom might you have for this person?

Tim: Obviously, I have certain policy positions that I push and advocate for that would benefit people dealing in a system the breeds inequality and makes life more difficult for people.  I would want them to know that who they votes for does make a difference as to how, and if, these problems get fixed.

But, I would also let them know that America is strong and resilient because our citizens are.  And I have been witnessing a quiet revolution happening in America that can fundamentally change the way we look at our political, economic and social systems. That as we all stop and slow down a bit, we can see how connected we are and realize that we can change the systems that breed poverty, violence and extreme inequality. And that change can help us enjoy the benefits of true family values, like more time with our families and less at work, like a better and more well-rounded education system and a new respect for workers.

Everyone has to do their part too. No one is disconnected. And everyone has to improve their skills, take care of their own health to the extent they can and contribute their time and talents to the community and country.  So, if we all agree that we will improve ourselves and then share those improvements with society, we can allow this revolution to quietly and gently transform our citizens and our country.

Elisha: Thank you so much for your inspiration Tim.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com

Human beings are social creatures and the fact is, we need one another for support and survival in this world. Too often in the midst of our relationships one person says or does something that offends another and a spiral of hurt and grievance begins between the two.

People get so boiled over with anger inside and make a choice not to connect or make amends with the other because “they don’t deserve it.” What we’re missing in this picture is that this grudge, this boulder of anger we’re carrying within us, is actually hurting us!

I have seen it now a number of times. “What was the last thing I said to him before he went out the door?” she asked on the day her boyfriend was killed in a tragic accident.

We’re heard a resounding cry of this years ago during 9/11. Why does it take something so severe as death or threat of injury to bring us back to our senses to what is truly most important…our connections.  The Now Effect opens up with a story of a successful business man lying on his deathbed turning to his doctor saying “I had it all wrong. It’s so simple, it’s about who you love and how you love and the rest of it, the rest of it never mattered.”

We could take some lessons from those who are in their last round of life.

When reflecting on this topic, it makes me think of the people in my own life who are still alive. Life can be so fragile and while at times we can all think that we’re all immortal and will live forever, reality informs us that we all come and go in this life. The truth is, we just don’t know when that will be.

In a past blog post, Ronald Pies, M.D. said, “having problems means being alive.” I’d like to add to that, “having problems with others means they are alive too.” Whether we are struggling with anxiety, depression, addiction, or illness, long before modern psychotherapy was even around, we came to understand that connection and support can be the most healing of all.

Sometimes we might hold a grudge or haven’t spoken to a loved one for quite a while over what seemed like an important dispute. We reactively dug our heels in the ground and decided to not speak to them. Meanwhile, we’re holding the discomfort inside; we’re the ones suffering. Learning to let go of a grudge is not condoning what the other person has done. It is simply saying, I don’t want to hold onto this anymore.

We all have a terminal condition, its called life and we can take the word of those who have lived it a bit more often: “It’s about who you love and how you love them.”

Author Stephen Levine asks us to consider “If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say and why are you waiting?”

The present moment is really all we have, so who do you want to connect with today or this week. Make a list, even if it is only one person. What do you want to say and why are you waiting?

As always, please share your thoughts, questions and stories below. Your interaction here provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com

While there may be many books out there on parenting, there really isn’t any definitive guide because every baby and child is unique and all parents come with our own unique baggage from childhood and genetics.

Becoming a parent is wonderful for stirring up all of those old memories and connections from our own upbringing for us to deal with.

Mix this in with our continuous fractured attention and we begin to see why it is becoming increasingly important for us to learn how to attune to our own thoughts, feelings and emotions so we can have the ability to do that with our children.

For many, childhood was a time of betrayal and invalidation where parents were potentially disconnected from their inner worlds of thoughts, feelings,and emotions. As a result, security and trust wasn’t fostered and this bled into our intimate relationships and we swore that it would be different with our kids.

The fact is, one of the most important gifts a parent can give a child is their presence, validation, and security. When we’re present with our children it lays the path for attunement and resonance. Attunement is when the parent is aware and present to the child’s inner world of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When attuned, a state of resonance occurs where the child “feels felt.” Think about anytime you felt completely understood. It breeds a sense of safety and when a person feels safe they cultivate the ability to trust.

My friend and colleague Daniel Siegel, MD has a great acronym for this:

PART (Presence, Attunement, Resonance, Trust)

He notes that this attunement and resonance builds regulatory circuits in the brain that supports the child’s ability to foster empathic relationships be resilient in the future.

This is an invaluable gift to give a child.

Easy enough, right?

Um…no. It can enormously challenging at times to be a parent. Author and professional blog writer Therese Borchard often writes about her struggles being a mom and suffering with depression. As a parent, we are now responsible for a whole host of new responsibilities, trying to do the best we can while feeling guilty that we’re not doing enough.

Mindful parenting informs us to first begin to practice PART within ourselves. Sometimes just taking a moment or two to let the dust settle and tune into how we are feeling physically, emotionall, and mentally can be a wonderful gift in helping to cultivate self-attunement and resonance. Through this process we can begin to come down from the chaos in our minds and trust ourselves.

When practicing with yourself, you can begin to do this with your children. If you find that all day you have been frantically running around, practicing continuous fractured attention and not paying attention to your children, rather than riddling yourself with guilt, see if you can recognize that you are now present, let that be, and invite yourself to be present to your child now.

If the little one is crying because he skinned his knee, you might notice the urge to make a happy face or give him a lollipop to ease his woes. See if you can instead validate his feelings, letting him know that his response is appropriate and allow it to come and go. This teaches the child that it’s OK to feel hurt and it’s OK to cry when you get hurt. This earns the child a sense of security within him or herself.

This could be more difficult if you have many children and the crying becomes contagious. So when the voices arise that you’re not fit to be a parent, see if you can be aware of that trap, become present and remind yourself that you’re good enough.

As is said in The Now Effect, we will never be the perfect parents so let go of the burden of that fantasy. However, we can be good enough as the well-known Psychologist Donald Winnicott pointed out. Mindful Parenting is the process of being aware of how you were parented affects your style of parenting and also to make it a practice to be present and attuned to your child’s inner world. If you stray from this, that is perfectly fine, just let it be, and invite yourself now to be with your child.

As soon as you notice yourself drifting, you are present and can shift to tuning into to your child’s inner world. It is that close. Be compassionate to yourself knowing this is a practice.

As always, please share your stories, thoughts, and questions. Your interaction here provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com