A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook

I see it every day. We all hold grudges against other people who we feel have hurt or offended us in some way or another. We even hold these grudges for people who aren’t even alive anymore. We do this with the false idea that somehow we are making them suffer by being hurt and angry with them.

Now, there is nothing wrong with being angry with someone, but it is how we express this anger that makes all the difference on us and our relationships . What is a grudge anyway? Maybe it is harboring ill feelings toward another in the need to settle a score.

Let’s try a little experiment. Think of someone in your life right now (maybe not the most extreme person) who you are absolutely holding a grudge against right now. There is no way you are willing to forgive this person right now for their actions. Picture that person and hold onto that unwillingness to forgive. Now, just observe what emotions are there; Anger, resentment, sadness?  Also notice how you are holding your body right now, is it tense anywhere or feeling heavy? Now bring awareness to your thoughts; are they hateful and spiteful thoughts?

Most people who I do this with find this to be an uncomfortable experiment that elicits feelings of tension, anger, and thoughts of ill will toward the other person. This is not conjuring these feelings out of nowhere; this is just bringing to light what is already within stirring around. There is a common misconception that forgiveness means condoning the act of the other person. Forgiveness simply means releasing this cycle of torture that continues to reside inside.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting or condoning! Forgiveness is for the person who was perpetrated, not the perpetrator. It is saying, “I have already been offended against, I am going to let go of this so I don’t continue to be burdened by it.” You have already been tortured once, why continue letting this torture you by holding onto it with the erroneous belief that holding onto it is somehow hurting the other person. The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce stress, anger, and depression and support many aspects of well-being and happiness.

Like many things, this is easier said than done depending on the person and level of offense. In his book, Forgive for Good, Fred Luskin, Ph.D. lays out 9 steps to forgiving for you!

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK.  Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.  Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action.  What you are after is to find peace.  Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years -ago.  Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you.  Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave.  Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.  Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.  Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.  Forgiveness is about personal power.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

As always please share your thoughts and questions below. Your interaction here provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

(Linked to from our partner, Everyday Health.)

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Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com

Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, addiction, ADHD, complex trauma or any myriad of life’s challenges, there seems to be a prevalent underlying voice of self-hatred that perks its head up at times more than others. I think the Dalai Lama has a good take on this.

Jack Kornfield shares the Dalai Lama’s story in a recent edited book The Buddha Is Still Teaching. The Dalai Lama said when he first heard the word self-hatred he was confused. He said that self-hatred was a very dangerous attitude and he and his fellow Buddhists work quite hard to overcome their self-centered attitudes.

The antidote to this was to understand that all people (and beings) have what he calls “Buddha Nature.” In other words, everyone inherently has the capacity to wake up to a sense of clarity about what helps and hinders them in their lives. Everyone has the innate capacity for compassion, empathy and wisdom.

This is very counter to some other views.

However, if we were to buy into the Dalai Lama’s beliefs what is the net effect? Might it give us more hope or belief in a better life?

I would argue yes.

If we come from other spiritual traditions or are inherently against anything spiritual, that is fine.

Here is something to do to get in touch with your innate capacities:

Consider someone you respect who is living or dead that you consider to be a wise person or being. Now, imagine them inhabiting your body and mind during difficult moments or moments of self hatred and see how they might handle it.

Easier said than done at times, but with practice, what you might find is that there is a sense of greater patience, understanding and compassion. This is what leads to more effective action.

What do you do during moments of self-hatred that help you?

Please share your thoughts, stories and questions below.  Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

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Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com

After spending a weekend with Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of the greatest gifts he gave me was the piece of advice:

“Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to be able to sit in not knowing.”

So often in life we feel like we need to have the answer and the truth is, often times we don’t have them.

This is especially true in parenting, relationships and well, I guess many aspects of life.

The more we are unsure of ourselves or don’t have the answer, the greater the insecurity. When we feel insecure, the mind goes into overdrive trying to reach into the past and draw on experiences to anticipate the future.

So what we come to realize is that we’re actually not in the most important place which is here. There is no other time than now and no other place than here, but we spend so much of our mental energy in the past and future.

Not that either of these places are “bad,” in fact it’s adaptive to learn from the past and anticipate the future for some very obvious reasons.

It’s just that it all happens so unintentionally most of the time and can lead us into greater states of stress, anxiety, depression, addictive behavior and reexperiencing of trauma.

I recently found myself in a state of confusion where I truly didn’t know the answer to something that was very important to me and I felt held a great deal of urgency.

Jon’s advice allowed me to open my eyes and heart to myself and gave me instruction to just sit for a few minutes in this state of confusion and unknowing. As I did this I realized I had been putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself which contracted my ability for creativity. In this space there was clarity and an opportunity to engage this work differently that would give me a chance to be more open to creativity.

It’s not always the case that we’ll gain clarity if we allow ourselves to be with “not knowing” instead of needing “to do” something about it. But in the long run, I believe this is a way toward greater wisdom in our everyday lives. It just seems counterintuitive, but that’s ok, maybe our intuition isn’t always right.

The fact was, I simply wasn’t being present to my experience and I was identifying with all the self-judgments that came my way and it wasn’t working.

So what seemed paradoxical to be ok with not knowing was in fact the entry into the room of clarity and knowing.

Try it out sometime.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from

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Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com

In a recent op-ed column in the NY Times, Nicholas Kristof explores recent research that suggests the period we all spend in the womb has a critical impact on our level of physical, emotional and mental well-being throughout our lives.

He says:

“The result is children who start life at a disadvantage — for kids facing stresses before birth appear to have lower educational attainment, lower incomes and worse health throughout their lives. If that’s true, then even early childhood education may be a bit late as a way to break the cycles of poverty.”

This is another example of research finding what many have figured was already intuitive. In a period of time when our brains and mental models of the world are being formed a stressful environment will have an impact on how we react to life later on.

It’s so easy during the time of pregnancy to forget how impactful that time is to the child within.

So what can we do?

There’s been a wave of interest in mindfulness-based childbirth and parenting (MBCP) founded by Nancy Bardacke, RN which aims to help parents and the growing baby during pregnancy and through childbirth. Larissa Duncan, PhD conducted a recent pilot study that suggests that pregnant women who take part in MBCP experience reductions in anxiety, depression, and increases in positive emotion and mindfulness, ofcourse.

It’s important to consider that the way women relate to themselves during pregnancy and the way the rest of us relate to pregnant women can have a significant impact on future generations.

Resiliency starts in the womb and the more awareness we can foster around the better off this world may be in the years to come.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

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Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com

One of the greatest gifts and hindrances of our minds is to automatize things in life after practicing and repeating them many times. Walking without having to consider every step really makes things a lot easier. However, one of the greatest habits of the mind is to constantly look outside of ourselves for clarity.  There’s a lot we can get from reading blogs, books, interviews and listening to other commentators, but at the end of the day the greatest teacher is ourselves, our own experience.

Confucius said: “I am thinking of giving up speech.” Zigong said: “If you did not speak, what would there be for us, your disciples, to transmit?” The Master said: “What does Heaven ever say? Yet there are the four seasons going round and there are the hundred things coming into being. What does Heaven ever say?” ~ Analects XVII (Confucius from the Heart)

However, how can we ever listen to the clarity and wisdom of our experience if we never stop to do so?

Another habit we get caught up in is putting off the things that are really important in life for another day. We say, “When I finish school, get a partner, get married, have children, or retire then I’ll really start living. Right now there are just too many obstacles.”

At some point we start to realize that those obstacles are our life and are the entry point to living as if it mattered.

Coleman Barks translates Rumi:

“Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”

Start today, stop for a moment and consider, what is truly important in my life that I have been putting off. Having you been waiting to contact someone you love because of a past grudge? Have you been putting off eating healthier or exercising even though your doctor said your health is at risk? Have you been continually putting yourself at the bottom of the to-do list while your stress continues to build?

There is nothing more to read, the clarity lies within you in this moment, you just need to take 1 minute, stop and connect with it. Let the beauty you love be what you do.

Please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interaction creates a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

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Reposted from Elisha Goldstein’s Mindfulness Blog on Psychcentral.com